Tickle Me Elmo!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday… ‘

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

Kid Versus Cop

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

“Nice bike” the cop said, “did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yep” replied the little boy, “he sure did!”

The cop looked at the bike and then handed the boy a $20 ticket and said: “Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.”

A little upset at getting a ticket the little boy decided to go along with the cop and said: “Nice horse you got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yes, he sure did” replied the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said: “Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.”

Have You Seen The New Computer Viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we’re not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus II: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer’s involvement in other computer’s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus II: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus II: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn’t do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, “I’m not Santa Claus.”

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the “Tricky Dick Virus”, you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

UK Government virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Fruits of the Forest

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king: “I brought ten apples.”

The king then explained the trial to him: “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.”

The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.

When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first one asked: “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”

The second one replied: “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

Assassin Required

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”

The man said: “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said: “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

He said: “I tried, but I cant kill my wife.”

The agent said: “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.

Then the agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said: “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”