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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Golf and Three Wishes

Posted by cotojo on June 6, 2008

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don’t knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry about that.” the husband replied.

“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You have released me. I am allowed to grant three wishes- I will give you each one wish, and I will keep the last one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.

“Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband said.

“Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“35.” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies? Thats amazing.”

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Posted in fun, Humor, Life, Three Wishes | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

The Speeding Ticket

Posted by cotojo on May 27, 2008

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It’s mine officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened, no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying son of a b*tch told you I was speeding, too.

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Posted in fun, Humor | Tagged: , , , | 11 Comments »

Questions To Think About

Posted by cotojo on May 9, 2008

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say “Hi, my names Bob. I’m an alcoholic?”

If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitzu would you get a Bullsh*t?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out?”

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They’re both dogs.

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap so why doesnt he buy his dinner?

Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Related Posts:
Words Redefined
A Play With The English Language

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Posted in fun, Humor, Life, Questions To Think About | Tagged: , , , | 14 Comments »

Why Men Are Happier

Posted by cotojo on May 7, 2008

Oh boy….am I going to get into some trouble for this one 😆

Quite simply men are happier people, and here’s why…

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

That’s why men are happier!

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Posted in fun, Humor, Why Men Are Happier | Tagged: , , , | 18 Comments »

Just For Today Be A Kid Again

Posted by cotojo on May 5, 2008

Do a cartwheel.

Sing into your hairbrush.

Walk barefoot in wet grass.

Play a song you like really loud, over and over.

Dot all your “i”’s with smiley faces.

Read the funnies. Throw the rest of the paper away.

Dunk your cookies.

Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.

Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.

Change into some play clothes.

Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.

Eat ice cream for breakfast.

Kiss a frog……..just in case.

Blow the wrapper off a straw.

Have someone read you a story.

Find some pretty stones and save them.

Wear your favorite shirt with you favorite pants even if they don’t match.

Take a running jump over a big puddle.

Get someone to buy you something you really don’t need.

Hide your vegetables under your napkin.

Stay up past your bedtime.

Eat dessert first.

Fuss a little, then take a nap.

Wear red gym shoes.

Put way too much sugar on your cereal.

Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.

Giggle a lot for no reason.

Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.

Most of all………have FUN!

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Posted in fun, Humor, Just For Today Be A Kid Again, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , | 14 Comments »