Consciousness – the time between naps. Accountant – someone you hire to explain that you didn’t make the money you did.
Wedding – a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
Justice – a decision in your favor.
Paradox – two physicians.
Court of law – the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.
Flattery – an insult in gift wrapping.
Alimony – the cost of loving.
Capitalism – the survival of the fattest.
Oboe – An ill woodwind that no-one blows good.
Impeccable – having immunity to woodpeckers.
Diplomacy – The art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
A born loser – Somebody who calls the telephone number that’s scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall — and his wife answers.