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Santa’s New Contract For 2007

Posted by cotojo on December 3, 2007

Santa’s New Contract For 2007

A new contract for Santa has been negotiated…Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us.

They are as follows:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads “This sleigh insured by Smith & Wesson”.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba’s sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you will hear “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”

5. “Ho, Ho, Ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond “I hear’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words “Back Off”. The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead you will see “Ernest Saves Christmas” and “Smoky and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. Don’t look for the traditional stocking items this year either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.

10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Claus’s elves in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.

11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” will be replaced. “Bubba Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.

Sincerely yours, Santa Claus

Santa and Rudolph

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8 Responses to “Santa’s New Contract For 2007”

  1. cotojo said

    Tamara – Thank you for your visit and comment.
    Sant is just sooo overworked that things had to change but he does seem to be quite immune to flu etc 🙂
    Have a great day,
    Colin

  2. Tamara said

    Well Well well thanks for sharing the new contract. Although with the beltless gentlemen here I am not sure the kids would realize it is Santa. 🙂

    Its probably a good thing Santa is skipping us this year. To much crazyness and flu going around dont want him to get sick.

  3. cotojo said

    Debo – Thank you for passing by and for your comment.
    It is a lot for one man really, so I guess we will have to put up with a stand in or two lol
    I’m sure Santa won’t ask for details about you being good ‘except for that one when……’ hahahahaha

    Colin

  4. Debo Hobo said

    It’s good to see Santa standing up for himself. That is after all a lot of work for one man.

    Santa if you read this “I Love you and I have been good” except for that one when……

  5. cotojo said

    Jesse – LOL, I think now you have found the reason as to why I may be on the naughty list hahaha
    It’s all good fun though 🙂
    Take care my friend and have a good day
    Colin

  6. Cotojo,I think the vision of the new Santa bending over while unpacking presents is just too much! All that snuff imbibing and spitting and spam for presents make me afraid,lol, and all I can say is.. Give me the old Santa anyday!! He is sometimes scary enough as it is… 🙂
    Hilarious stuff..

  7. cotojo said

    Eric – Nice combo isn’t it lol, no wonder I’m the reason for the Naughty List LOL
    Got to laugh sometimes 🙂
    Have a great week
    Colin

  8. Beef jerky – vienna sausages and Spam?

    Heeeee Haaawwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! I’m WIGGEN`

    ~___–&**\-_
    `———–
    Bubba’s Sleigh

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